It’s a New Year tomorrow. I can’t say I have any burning need to make a resolution other than to stay on the path I’m on. Philosophy and Psychology…hmm. Fascinating fields of study. Started thinking about it after a chat yesterday. I hadn’t realized how much I had shoved those two subjects to the back burner and it felt like a shock to have them in the forefront again. It’s not always an uplifting subject and yet it is the key to understanding the world we live in and ourselves.
Can there be wisdom without pain?
My initial answer is no. As a child you can’t truly know not to touch a hot burner until you know it’s sting. Out of pure survival instinct you will never forget that lesson once learned the hard way. So are we emotionally wired the same? Does the pain of our emotional mistakes color our perception forever? Can our faith and trust ever be truly restored? Conflicted is how I feel about these questions. On the one hand I want to hold onto the ideal of approaching every person with fresh eyes and not assume who they are based on preconceptions based on prior experience. Yet past experience is the stick used to measure every new person you come into contact with. So far the best I’ve been able to come to terms with this thought is to keep my knee jerk reactions in check by questioning them, particularly when they are strong. On the other hand it would be foolish indeed to completely discount the past and it’s lessons. If you did, how would you know not to touch the hot burner? Yet no where can you learn definitively what past experiences are safe to let go of and which you should cling to. Often it comes down to what you are willing to risk which is subjective to the individual. For me… my prerogative is usually to avoid deep emotional pain. Though this seems like an obvious and natural instinct it is one I’m very aware of. I see how it shapes my path forward and how I avoid making past mistakes again. At the same time I wouldn’t alter my past if I could. Every painful moment of my past has shaped me into who I am and I’m content with this.
In retrospect the happiness and joy in my past has also shaped me. It is interesting that pain was the first choice I picked to define the self. I wonder if it is more of an indicator of my personality or of the human experience in general. Pain is loud and harsh were happiness and joy tend to be gentle. So in a way that makes the lessons of happiness subtle and harder to learn. I imagine every person understands how to hurt another, but trying to make someone happy is a tricky slope to navigate. I know for starters that my definition and basic necessities for happiness has changed dramatically since I was a child. It’s enough that I’m convinced one must have a firm understanding of self in order to even attempt a successful relationship. If you aren’t firm on your requirements for happiness, how can you guarantee that your definition will not change?
At one point I know I was content to be what we termed as a happy cynic. Happy despite of my lack of faith in the world to be good. Overtime this wasn’t enough. Trying to be happy while discontent with humanity is exhausting and a losing battle over time. So I evolved when it was more uncomfortable to stay the same than it was to change. It took an unhealthy relationship and dropping out of college, but I woke up. That crap in high school of the glass half full or empty and the bit about lemons finally sunk in. It’s not that I didn’t understand what they were implying before, I simply didn’t understand how to practically apply it or how much it really mattered. The realization wasn’t overnight but it was transformative. How could it not be? It isn’t that the world became a better place or anything but I saw how focusing on what is good in life is so much better for you. If you’ve never been on the other side of where you are now, try thinking on the other side for a day and tell me how it goes. If you don't see a difference you aren't trying hard enough or simply don't understand fully what I'm asking for.
I suppose if I followed a religion faithfully I may have learned some of this sooner but I'm not convinced this is the case. Despite being a cynic and atheist for a time I've never lacked for a strong moral compass. I understand that there are many moral codes in holy scriptures which are good to guide one's life by. However, I've also seen how some of the scriptures are either taken out of context or held onto out of personal bias to the detriment of others. If you doubt this you simply have to look at history. Wars and atrocities in the name of a god to spread a doctrine are not rare, indeed they continue even today. How often do you find a self-proclaimed pious person who is not also willing to condemn those that do not believe as they do? My perception may be skewed but I think too often.
So as I transitioned to my optimistic stage with a touch of caution added I decided to be agnostic. Not only because of history or how religion is too often used as a tool, but because it just makes more sense. If there is a "supreme power" that created and holds the universe in it's sway I can't for the life of me understand how humans can be expected to truly understand or grasp it's definition or design. I'm also astounded by the arrogance that makes a person think that this "supreme power" would be so focused on their life when we are but a piece of dust on a grain of sand floating through the universe. Our survival as a species is so uncertain the majority of religions even have doomsday prophecies. I think this is because we know on an instinctual level how easy and quickly we could become extinct. We would of course consider this type of an event catastrophic but the universe would simply see it as a rearrangement of particles. I guess I just went out on a limb and made my own assumptions but rather than term it a belief I would only call it a theory. A theory that if untrue would be ok with me in the end.
I reread the above and think I must seem sorely pessimistic still to some. If so, I ask you to check your knee jerk reaction and simply accept I'm a strange duck. I do believe tomorrow will bring a better day. I do have faith that humanity will progress even if it is kicking and screaming the whole way. I do have faith in the kindness of strangers. I do believe that it behooves one to be honest, kind, and generous. I know that with enough determination and grit one can overcome most anything. I also accept that I may be wrong. Which means that I can respect the points of view of others as genuinely as I know how and understand that, though vastly contrasted to my own, they are perfectly valid. I don't claim complete success on this point but I do consistently make an effort in this direction after I get over my initial reaction. I am not perfect after all, I am merely me and only me.
It is... relieving to have this on paper rather than jumbling around in my head. So I'll end by wishing one and all a prosperous and good New Year. It shall be an exciting year for me and though it came quickly I will do what is in my power to enjoy it.
